Last night was probably a huge hit in the face for me. So I had a dream that my boyfriend left me. 

First, a little back story. I’m kind of a lame girlfriend. I’m actually more of the boyfriend and he’s more of the girlfriend. He’s sensitive, gets happy easily, laughs at what I say, likes talking and just sitting with me, always wants to be holding my hand or have his arms around me, always comes up to me in the hallways and says hi, always smiles around me, calls me cute nicknames, texts me first in the mornings and always says goodnight, always says i love you first, constantly tells me how he feels about me, always is asking me to never leave him, clingy, gets jealous easily, worries a lot, always asks how i’m doing.

I could go on and on. but anyways, to describe me: i call him gay and make fun of him, i sometimes push away his hugs or pull away from him if we’re like in school even though he doesn’t care who sees, i never say i love you first and sometimes i just say “I know” or “aww” after he says “I love you”, i always fall asleep on him, i ignore his texts, i ignore him, i dont even make eye contact with him in the hallways unless he says something.

more and more but whatever lets get on.

So i really dont even know how he hasn’t broken up with me yet. like im a bad girlfriend. i know i am. but i really do love him. its just ive shown my past boyfriends so much attention and they’ve shown shit, so i kind of gotten used to it. but now he comes along and im just speechless. 

so my dream last night was basically that he was fed up with all my shit and he dumped me. I woke up crying, texted him telling him about it, blah blah i was relived then went back to sleep.

things got worse
i had a second dream, basically the same dream, but this time it was like i woke up from my first dream, and i knew it was fake, but then i thought i was in reality, and he really DID dump me. It was truly one of the scariest feelings in the world. i felt so alone. and unwanted. and unloved.

i really thought if he ever dumped me itd be sad but id be okay after a few days or a week. but in my dream i felt so lost and hopeless and it felt like it was going to be like that forever. I’m kinda glad i had that dream. All this time I really have been taking him for granted. He is not like any other boyfriend I’ve ever had or even heard of. That dream woke me up to the REAL reality, that I have to show him how much I love him, or else he’s not going to know and not now, but maybe some day really get sick of it and end up leaving. Even though it was scary, now it’s fading, but I’m going to always keep it in the back of my mind to never forget. I can’t lose him, especially over something stupid like acting like I don’t care.

So today I made physical contact with that one girl I always talk about. We have study hall together and she asked out loud if anyone had note cards. After the few people she was sitting with said no, I turned to her and said I did. Me, being a dork, had about 100 notecards in different colors. We laughed together at the fact that I couldn’t decide which to offer and she couldn’t decide which is chose. 

I kind of feel like the ice has broken between us. We might not talk all the time now and be best friends and have sleepovers and tell each other secrets, but I feel that the awkward tension and rivalry between us is gone now that we’ve at least spoken to eachother. I can’t see her being a mean person, considering on the first day of school when I was new, she smiled at me, one of the few people that made any kind gesture.

I also noticed she had a retainer.  I guess I should put that in the list of ways for me to look at her and not be envious. But today I kind of realized that that is wrong. We are all imperfect. We are all beautiful. Yes, she is beautiful. But she’s not perfect. I know I’m definitely not perfect, but I’m also beautiful. Out in the world there are so many people trying to bring us down. Girls are suppose to be like sisters. We need to stick together and help eachother out while all the guys are either bringing us down or using us. It’s not going to help if we look and act around eachother in a critizing manner. We can’t be that way to ourselves either. Happiness is all in the brain. If you say you’re happy, you’ll feel happy. As long as you think that you, yourself, is beautiful, who is going to tell you different? There isn’t a world wide decider of beauty. People have different opinions, but the only one that matters is the one that comes from yourself.

Just adding this part in, I used to always steal glances at her, but today I decided to stop and not let her have the pleasure of my jealousy. But as I naturally looked around the room or to other people who spoke to me, I noticed she does the same to me. I can’t look at her as some evil witch out to get me, because chances are, she thinks the same about me. 

I honestly really wish we could be friends. 
I don’t have any classes with her, so maybe next year we’ll have some together. 
Also Maybe in the North Carolina trip we’ll have something together. 

Lately I’ve been looking a lot into different types of cosmetic surgerys. Which is pretty sad when you consider that a 14 year old girl is already thinking about ways she wants to cut up her face and change its appearance the second i turn the legal age. I probably wont go through with them considering I’m so young now and I’ll grow out of my self consciousness, but here’s a few that I am considering: (in order from least important to most)

Buccal fat reduction- buccal fat is a pad of fat in the cheeks. In my opinion I have pretty chubby cheeks and I hate it. If I get them removed, I’ll have a thinner face. I probably won’t get this though because the older you get, the thinner your face gets, so I’ll probably grow out of this, and if I got the surgery, by the time I’m 30, I’ll have a very thin face, making me look older. Sooo..

Nose surgery- this is very important to me. I absolutely HATE my nose. I don’t have a bird beak looking nose, but the tip is kinda round and fat and big. I’m scared though because I’ve seen a lot of nose jobs go terribly wrong and I would just die if I ended up regretting it and it looked worse than what it started with. I’ll have to gain courage for this one.

Boob job- oh yes. This is for sure going to happen. My mo has small boobs too, so im not just a teenager complaining about slow growing boobs. I overall haven’t grown in breast size, shoe size, height, weight, or clothing size since I was about 11. Yes, I matured very fast. But now I have small boobs. I have considered taking pills or lotion to make them grow but my doctor says they are dangerous, so I’m just going to wait until I’m 18 to proceed and just have surgery.